you know, sometimes you just cant get that feeling out of yourself. it just digs deeper and deeper. deep enough to just make you feel so down you wouldnt even know what hit you. well, thats how i feel everyday. still. its been so hard to just move on. everyone tells me to move on. everyone tells me that its for my own good. everyone tells me to do this, do that. so yeah. i follow. well, followed. but i dont see any improvement in myself. i see none. everyday i look at myself in the mirror and its the same person. the same feeling. the same stupid boy that fucks up all the time.

i can say for a fact that nothing changed since then. im just the same self but just hiding the feelings inside this time. just hiding it from the world so it would just stop asking. it hurts so badly sometimes that i just break down and cry at night. last night was terrible. i was a mess. i cried and cried, just wanting the feeling to go away. but the longer i wait, the more i cried.

but no one could really see whats inside me. you see, its kind of hard just opening up to people. people i know, people i just knew, people that are complete strangers to me. i cant just, open up and tell them my life story and expect them to do something about it. i mean, they have their own problems to handle and take care off, why would i want to add "my" problems into theirs? thats what i call wrong. thats why i always try my best to keep it at a minimal and just dont let people get worried. i just disappear into darkness and get lost there. in my own little world i have. its not much, but its the safest place i can go. i hate myself for losing control.

i dreamt of kissing her earlier and it was breath taking. i loved the feeling. holding her close to me was just so ... surreal. sigh. but i know nothing like that would ever happen.

rick.